“If they wanted to, they would.”
It’s a phrase that’s been repeated so often it’s started to sound like truth. It’s catchy, decisive, and empowering on the surface. For many people, it offers a sense of control in confusing emotional situations. But while the phrase feels validating, it’s also deeply incomplete—and in many cases, harmful.
The reality is this: we vastly overestimate people’s capacity for emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and self-reflection. Many people do want to show up, communicate better, or do the right thing. They just don’t know how.
Wanting vs. Being Able
Desire and capacity are not the same thing. Wanting to communicate doesn’t automatically mean someone has the tools to do so. Emotional intelligence isn’t innate; it’s learned. And many people were never taught how to regulate their emotions, express needs, or navigate conflict in a healthy way.
Someone may care deeply and still shut down. They may want connection and still avoid difficult conversations. They may value you and still act in ways that feel dismissive or distant. Not because they don’t care—but because fear, anxiety, trauma, or emotional immaturity is running the show.
Reducing all of that complexity into “they didn’t want to” flattens human experience into something unrealistically simple.
When Avoidance Is Misread as Apathy
Avoidance is often mistaken for indifference. In reality, avoidance is frequently rooted in fear—fear of confrontation, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of emotional overwhelm, or fear of repeating past mistakes.
For someone who never learned how to repair conflict, silence can feel safer than trying and failing. That doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it does explain it. Understanding this distinction can prevent us from internalizing someone else’s limitations as a personal rejection.
Stop Taking Other People’s Limits Personally
One of the most damaging things we do is turn other people’s emotional limits into stories about our worth.
When someone can’t show up the way we need, the instinct is to assume it means we weren’t important enough. But often, it has nothing to do with us at all. It’s about their capacity at that moment in their life.
Taking everything personally adds unnecessary pain. It creates resentment where clarity could exist. Recognizing that someone’s inability is not a reflection of your value is a powerful form of emotional maturity.
Compassion Without Self-Abandonment
Understanding people’s limitations doesn’t mean tolerating behavior that hurts you. Compassion and boundaries can coexist.
You can acknowledge that someone lacks emotional tools and decide that the relationship no longer works for you. You can stop personalizing their behavior without staying stuck in a dynamic that drains you.
The goal isn’t to excuse—it’s to understand without internalizing blame.
Why Slogans Fall Short
Slogans like “if they wanted to, they would” feel empowering because they offer certainty. But life isn’t that binary. Humans are messy, layered, and inconsistent. Growth happens in nuance, not absolutes.
When we replace rigid beliefs with curiosity and emotional awareness, we reduce unnecessary suffering. We stop making assumptions that harden us. We respond instead of react.
Choosing Nuance Over Resentment
Letting go of oversimplified narratives doesn’t make you weak—it makes you emotionally intelligent. It allows you to move through relationships with clearer expectations and less emotional weight.
Not everyone who fails you does so because they don’t care. Sometimes they fail because they don’t know how to be better yet.
And recognizing that can free you—from resentment, from self-blame, and from stories that were never true to begin with.
TheSpiritualExplorer 